This is designed to be a general guideline--not a set of hard-and-fast rules. There are times when wisdom dictates that some of these components are eliminated. I include a full set so that you can draw from them as the need may arise.
I'd like to also add, that this list is for a longer and more formal discussion regarding a problem area in a relationship. The first principle is to...
When you are confronting someone, first of all affirm whatever positive qualities you can about the person. [You may say that you value this person's friendship and that you've appreciated the contributions they have made to your life.] Secondly, affirm your common goals [you may say something like: "we both want a fair division of labor in the house, and we both want to enjoy a clean house."] [This has the effect of reassuring the person of your Christian love and desire for God's best for both of you. It also reassures him that you are trying not to be unbiblically judgmental.] Next...
Tell the person is such a way that it is clear that you are disappointed or frustrated with something that is the result of this person's behavior. [It bothers me or hurts me when you do such and such a thing...] It has a far different effect to say how something bothers you rather than simply to point to the person's conduct. This is especially true if the person you are confronting is a committed Christian, because if they are, they will be aware of their obligation to love you and not offend you.
Use questions to learn the facts and to clarify matters. Look for opportunities to turn criticisms or suggestions into question form. Instead of saying "That is sure a dumb thing you're planning to do" you can say "Do you think that's a wise thing to do?" Instead of saying "I think you should stop subscribing to 14 useless magazines every month" you could say "Have you considered using the library for these magazines?" Questions like these soften the tension and provoke thought rather than emotions.
If someone makes you unhappy enough that you feel it warrants confronting them, don't just tell them what they did that bothered you. Tell them what they could have done that would have avoided this problem. This is similar to the put-ons and put-offs in Scripture. God doesn't just tell us what we shouldn't do--He tells us what we should be doing instead.
EXAMPLES: "Instead of putting this thing here where it gets in the way, could you put it somewhere else please?" of "The way you told me that the dinner was cold seemed a bit harsh and made me feel belittled. If this happens again sometime and you want to inform me that the meal needs to be warmed up, I would rather that you say it this other way instead."
If there is a pattern of repeated improper behavior (and you have already spoken to the person about it) you can ask them what they think you should do to eliminate the problem. If you said something too harsh to another person, consider asking them what you should have said instead that would have expressed your views without offending them. [If they tell you what to say and you say it next time they lose the right to complain about it.] This is a "mutual-teacher" perspective. It is especially effective in husband-wife relationships where commitment is involved. [In my relationship with Allison, she is the best teacher on how to love her and how not to offend her. Throughout our marriage she and I are teaching each other and learning from each other how to love one another better.]
This is related to the previous principle. Even when confronting another person who may be primarily (or perhaps entirely) responsible for causing a problem, you can ask if there might be something that you are contributing to the problem.
This is the whole point of Biblical conflict resolution. We'll address this in more detail in the next overhead.
After working on your differences, it is good to come full circle and reassure each other (particularly in a marriage relationship) and to reaffirm your common goals. You both want a happy harmonious home. You both want an orderly schedule and a fair division of labor. You both want to be wise stewards of your resources. You both want a clean, well-managed home. You both want to honor the Lord in your marriage and family.
Following this it is helpful to pray. You can pray for your common goals, pray for God's best in both of your lives, pray for wisdom and enablement, or even pray for forgiveness and healing in your relationship.
After you're finished working on the problem and have resolved it peacefully, the silence afterwards may be especially tense. You can break this tension and perhaps dispel an atmosphere of gloom and hurt by changing the subject and moving on to something new.
[Part 4]
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