You don't have to make an issue of everything--and you shouldn't make an issue of everything. God is not pleased with quarrelsome behavior. You can't go through life continually rebuking people. I once knew a man who was this way. It's amazing that he had any friends at all. He seemed to feel that he had this as a special gift, and he tried to exercise this gift every chance he got. He rebuked me so many times it was like having a friendship with a porcupine. I finally rebuked him for rebuking me to much.
Confrontations should be relatively rare occurrences in life. If we go around confronting too much, then it's a sign of spiritual weakness and impatience. Keep in mind that It is a man's "glory to overlook a transgression."
You can't use one method for every person. There are principles that are timeless and firm, but the application of these principles may be flexible. Some people by nature are more sensitive than others. You simply cannot speak to them with the same force as others. Be wise and be sensitive to the "need of the moment."
Never confront someone if you aren't interested in finding a solution. Don't say things in a conflict just for the sake of saying them. Don't vent. Be a peacemaker and seek for peace as your primary goal.
Ro 12:18 If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all. (RSV)
Ask yourself "What are the real issues involved?"
This will help give focus to your discussion and prevent rabbit-trails in all directions. If you are discussing differences with someone try to think through the symptoms to locate the root cause. Try to narrow things down to one (or at most a few) related issues.
Try to discuss what both parties are contributing to the problem, and then, what both parties can do to contribute to the solution.
Make sure the mind is in the driver seat; emotions have a habit of driving recklessly. Let your mind regulate the heat of your emotions like a thermostat regulates the temperature.
The heat of argument is a poor time to think of proper boundaries. I would encourage all couples contemplating marriage to make up a list of all the things they will not allow to be done or said in their house. The men should take the initiative in this regard, in consultation with their wives.
Prov. 26:20 For lack of wood the fire goes out. Dealing with conflicts is like putting out fires. One of the most important principles of fire-fighting is to contain the blaze and prevent it from spreading. It does no good to chase a spreading fire. The key idea here is containment. Here are three ways we can contain conflicts:
Don't bring up past conflicts
It's so important to have a sense of closure with past conflicts. Don't build up a supply of weapons to bludgeon someone with. ["This is like the time you did such and such a thing..." "and I still can't believe you did that thing."] God expects us to forgive others in the way that He forgives us--and He doesn't require us to keep re-asking for forgiveness. \
Don’t bring up unrelated points of contention (Pro. 26:21)
The fewer the issues to deal with the better. Some people end up with a three-ring-circus when they have a discussion. During the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln was advised by someone to declare war with Britain. Lincoln wisely responded that "one war at a time" was enough.
Don't escalate matters
The rule of thumb is to lower tensions [the conflict] to the lowest possible level. Keep calm, lower your voice, reassure the other person, affirm your common goals, be humble, and work towards a realistic solution.
How you phrase things is of utmost importance (Pro. 25:12)
Content alone is not enough. The packaging of the content is as important as the content itself. The way you word what you say is a contributing factor in succeeding or failing in conflict resolution. It matters not only what we say, but also how we word it. Prov. 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Pro. 20:3 Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, But any fool will quarrel. Prov. 26:21 {Like} charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, So is a contentious man to kindle strife.
When dating someone, it is actually a enlightening thing to experience some conflicts. This is because they provide an opportunity to view how cleanly you fight and how well you both can resolve your difficulties. When you experience difficulties and when you see people at their worst you get a good idea of what people are really made of.
Unless you are dealing with Biblical issues or standards of common decency, you must first convey your opinions about something before you have the right to complain about it later. Don't rely on assumptions and don't expect people to read your minds. What's obvious to you may not be obvious to another person. *EXAMPLE ["I hate it when you buy those napkins!]
The art of using questions skillfully is one of the best resources in dealing with people. For one thing, it's important to ask questions before arriving at conclusions. Find out the facts, ask the person their side before making accusations or gearing up for a big case over what could possibly be a small issue. Secondly, suggestions or criticisms can be rephrased as questions. When you rephrase statements into question form you soften the effect and stimulate thinking. God in the OT and Jesus in the NT often used questions this way. [Illustration from Peter? Rather than making a statement, Jesus asked Peter, "Simon (son) of John, do you love me?"]
After Peter denied the Lord 3 times, Jesus could have said "Peter, I'm offended by your hypocritical love;" or else He might have said, "What a sinful act of cowardess how could you, of all people have done such a thing?" What did Jesus actually say? “Simon, {son} of John, do you love Me?” (John 21:16). That was all He needed to say--it was the perfect thing to say. Peter got it loud and clear, and he was more convicted by the question (repeated 3 times) than by a rebuke in statement form.
The idea here is to match the intensity and directness of your confrontation to either how serious the problem is or how often it comes up. Don't make a bid deal out of a small problem or something that has just started as a problem. Don't blow up weed patches with atomic bombs. Our first dealings with a problem should be more casual and subtle; later, if the problem keeps reoccurring, we can be increasingly direct in our approach.
Once in a discussion that requires resolution, no one should withdraw until the matter is talked out sufficiently and the issue settled. (There are exceptions to this however; sometimes one person has to make an appointment, or some other obligation--they are not going AWOL on the discussion.) A half-settled argument is an on-going argument [open-ended argument].
Even if the discussion is painful or frustrating, we have no right to escape from it. Is the discussion painful? God may be using it as a test. Are we frustrated because the communication requires so much effort? 1 Cor. 13:4 says that "love is patient." Tough love consists of tough patience, and this is precisely what is needed if communication is not functioning at its best. Stick it out and hang in there until the matter is settled.
There's no gridlock with God…no stalemate…no tie game. If a husband and wife have talked things out, but cannot come to agreement on a matter, the Bible teaches that the husband's authority prevails. By divine design God has entrusted to the husband leadership and authority with which to wisely and lovingly rule the household. The husband is not guaranteed the smartest decisions--but God does expect him to exercise leadership in the home and to have the power to veto (break up an impasse with his vote).
However, this does not give him the right to be arrogant and to flaunt his authority, or to run roughshod over other family members' feelings. He has no right to refuse to listen to his wife, to withdraw from confrontational discussions, to act in anger, or to act in a non-understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). He has no right to exasperate his children or anyone else in the family. He must love his wive even as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for it.
Because of the Biblical doctrine of 'male headship,' I place (and I believe God places) the brunt of the responsibility for family growth, happiness, and harmony, upon the husband. Since he is the one entrusted with leadership, he is the one chiefly responsible for leading the family towards the goal of Christlikeness.
[Part 3]
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