No one is immune to them. The question is not if they will come—but rather what you do with them when they do come. Without any governing principles or guidelines people will fight in ways that lead to chaos and emotional pain.
People all too often fight in ways that leave lasting emotional scars. They neglect to deal with things when they should, and then they overreact, causing destruction. In colloquial terms, there are ways to fight dirty and there are ways to fight clean. What we want to do is to fight without leaving any scars or permanent damage. By following the Bible this can and should be done.
When confronted by any issue (whether moral or non-moral) our actions are out in the open. There's no place to hide. Perhaps we are doing something improper but we go on sweeping it under the rug and pretending its not an issue. For years we hear sermons about this subject and we kid ourselves about the matter. Then along comes someone to confront us and all of a sudden we are forced to deal with this issue.
The critical question here is: How do we respond when we are confronted? Do we react in anger, sorrow, or self-pity, or even a spirit of revenge? Or do we act in humility; with a teachable spirit, viewing this as an opportunity for growth?
God could have miraculously taken away all conflicts among believers in their various relationships. But God sovereignly allows them in our lives for a variety of reasons. Three of those reasons are the following:
All people, Christians as well as non-Christians have conflicts; the difference is in the way we handle them.
Don't be fooled into thinking that if you meet the right person and if both of you are mature in the Lord, then you will be spared any conflicts! This kind of thinking will only set you up for a disappointment later on. There are numerous examples in the Bible where believers had differences among themselves. Paul rebuked the Apostle Peter and Jesus rebuked the Apostles James & John [Luke 9:52-55]. It's important to realize that it's not sinful to have problems, it's only sinful to handle them in improper ways.
Surprising as it may seem, it is possible to please God and be a great testimony if we handle conflicts in a God-honoring manner. In fact—the way we handle conflicts will either be a great testimony or a poor one, depending on the way we respond. Think of conflicts as opportunities for honoring God and being a good testimony.
Some unbelievers I know have actually commented on how gently my wife and I handle differences between us. The world fights so brutally that people really take notice when they see the difference that Christ makes. A number of years ago I helped a certain person come to faith in Christ. Shortly afterwards we had what I thought was a little sharper disagreement about some matter of discipleship. I thought I blew it with a new believer. But much to my surprise he called me up and said how impressed he was with the way believers can disagree and still remain on peaceable terms. I thought I came off a bit harsh, but to him it was far better than the way the world fights.
Honor God, even through your disagreements. Make this your prime focus and you will have great wisdom in dealing with difficulties. If you seek to honor God you will have the strength to bear with petty differences without undue annoyance. If you seek God's honor, you will be in control and won't go beyond proper bounds.
If you are in a conflict and you say something careless or bring up something needless and hurtful you can be fomenting future discord. In effect this is creating an growth-culture for dissension. [Like an uncontained fire shooting sparks into a raging windstorm, an uncontrolled conflict can spread into all directions.] Being a peacemaker is in the best interest of both parties.
The important thing is to beware of anger over small or seemingly inconsequential things. People's worst fights are rarely over weighty matters because they are able to think through and work through these matters with care and deliberation. But small things are more deadly. Perhaps this is because they catch you unawares and we are least prepared for them. [They tell me that little rattlesnakes are actually more deadly than large rattlesnakes. Watch out for those little issues!]
When dating, it is important to take special note of often and how severe your conflicts are. Some couples fight so much you would think the airlines were offering them "frequent-fighter miles." It is terrible to fight over every little thing. And it is even worse to fight destructively. If the person you're dating fights too often or too fiercely you should reconsider your relationship or begin looking for someone else.
Learning to handle difficulties is important because they are an ordinary part of living. They are part of the adjusting process. If you have unhealthy patterns of fighting, you're will escalate conflicts, inflict emotional pain, and add tension to what may already be a unstable relationship.
Before we can do the right thing in a confrontation we must first be the right kind of people. This is a non-negotiable given. If we fail to exhibit godly Christian character, then no "how-to" methods, no matter how successful, will work.
The first prerequisite is humility. This is so important. Why? Because we have to look to ourselves and to our own weaknesses and feelings to keep things in proper perspective. We need humility to keep from exalting ourselves or arguing from the vantage point of supposed superiority.
Galatians 6:1 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Look to yourself, lest you too be tempted.
The second prerequisite is love. If you don't love the person you don't have a right to confront them. If you don't have love for the person you confront you won't have the attitude of desiring God's best for him or her.
The Bible says: "We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves; let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to edify him." (Ro 15:1-2)
The third prerequisite is patience. We need patience in order to have proper self-restraint and we need patience to hear the other person out. Impatience is a source of anger and intolerance—and it has no place in conflict resolution.
A fourth prerequisite is to be without hypocrisy. If we are living a deluded lifestyle, contrary to God's purposes for our lives, we can't see clearly enough to qualify for correcting other people. If we want to confront somebody about an area of sin (or even of non-moral issues) we must first have demonstrated victory in this area ourselves.
The prerequisites for receiving correction in a God-honoring manner are similar. Humility is needed to keep the focus on God's glory and our growth. Humility is needed to keep from getting resentful. Secondly we need a growth-orientation--a perspective that says "I must grow at all costs;" "God may use confrontation as a tool to bring me where I ought to be." Finally, teachability is important because it puts us in a receptive frame of mind. The book of Proverbs has much to say about those who receive instruction and those who don't.
[Part 2]
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